No, I don't want mayo on that.

I love sandwiches. I eat sandwiches almost every day, and I frequent the many sandwich places around lovely Mycrappycollegetown USA. Every day I order a similar sandwich from many similar sandwich places. Many of these places have menus that go like this: "#1: Turkey Sandwich with lettuce, tomato, onions, italian dressing, and swiss cheese." Now, I hate tomatoes, so typically I order: "I'd like a #1 Turkey Sandwich with NO TOMATOES." Fine, easy, right? Well, when you say 'no [any ingredient here]' the person behind the counter *should* understand that this means no tomatoes but I'd love the rest of the other ingredients, because as a normal logical human being I have actually read the menu and understand what's on the sandwich. Unfortunately, the professional sandwich makers at many of my favorite restaurants cannot grasp this concept. Instead of simply making my sandwich I have to go through the next five minutes like this:
Sandwich Guy: "No tomatoes?"
Me: "Yes"
SG: "So do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yes"
SG: "So do you want onions?"
Me: "Yes" (thinking "JUST MAKE THE FRIGGING SANDWICH")
SG: "Italian Dressing?"
Me: "Yes" (thinking "Thank goodness he's made it to the last ingredient he could possibly ask me about")
SG: Mayo?
Me: "Umm, no" (thinking "WTH the sandwich doesn't even come with mayo!")
SG: "Mustard?"
Me: "NO! Just give me what's on the sandwich now" (thinking: "Jeeze, I'm going to waste my whole lunch break saying no to ingredients").

Really, it gets old. And I hate mustard and mayo. This is why I order sandwiches that come without them. And the sheer thought that I would want to ruin a perfectly good sandwich with some nasty spread is insulting to my good taste. But that's an entry for another blog. So today I beg of all sandwich makers in the world: know what's on your menu and listen to my original order, it'll save both of us time and frustration. And I might not fill out quite so many nasty comment cards.

Hugs and kisses,
The Bitter Libertarian